It looks like I am headed into the ring for round four of
Kirsten vs. cancer. I’ve got my boxing gloves on and my head up. On Monday I
received a call from my oncology nurse telling me that the cancer markers in my
blood were elevated and on a small, but steady incline. She said that my doctor
wanted to see me the next morning to make a “plan.” I swear I felt like I had
been kicked in the gut, the wind knocked out of me, and all my blood dropped to
my toes. After calling my husband and son in Colorado, I drove home (I was out
visiting a friend who has a brain tumor), told my son Micah, and then went
directly to bed. I was wiped out. I couldn’t pray, talk, read my Bible,
journal, or anything. I just rested. That night I went through every worst case
scenario possible. Greg went with me to the doctor visit and talking to the
doctor helped a bit, but doesn’t change my situation. Here is the scoop:
The elevated levels in my blood indicate that there is
cancer somewhere in my body. We just have to find it. The good news (if there
is any good in finding out you have cancer again—not, never) is that the levels
are small which means it is probably an isolated tumor and not spread
everywhere. Now we have to seek it out, isolate it, and destroy it. This means
that I will have a full body scan in early January, and monthly blood tests and
visits to my oncologist. If they find it (and doctor thinks it is most likely
in my lung), then I will have either radiation or surgery. The thought of having
surgery number ten so close to my last surgery makes my anxiety meter go
through the roof. This is not at all how I want to enter 2018.
But…..it is what it is and I have to accept it and deal with
it. I honestly have stopped questioning or asking why or trying to figure out
what I am supposed to learn through all of this. It just is. The more I fight
or question it, the more frustrated I get. I am learning to take it day by day
and continue to live well and love well with the time I have. I feel like I
have been so blessed to have already survived three rounds of this cancer—like I
am the Energizer Bunny—I keep going and going and going.
This weekend I was at an incredible Celebration of Life for
my beautiful, resilient, fierce friend Edie Davis. She was one of my “cancer
culture” mentors. Her husband, sons, and pastors did an amazing job of
celebrating her life through stories, humor, video, and music. But of course it
was hard for all of us because we are here and she is not. She lived and loved with
gusto, adventure and a servant heart. So much of her philosophy on life and
faith is similar to mine. I want to share two quotes that she said that were
shared at the memorial. I really hope I don’t butcher them as I am doing my
best to paraphrase them. The first quote she shared as she was living out her
final months: She said, “You can love and care for people at least ten minutes
a day and still have time for a nap.” That’s who she was—always generously
giving her time and her wisdom to those around her. And the other quote that
her son shared from one of her journals was this: “My life impact isn’t global;
my life impact is personal.” And it is so true. She impacted so many people in
her circle and community with her grace, wit, compassion, and love. Edie loved
to reflect and journal—very similar to how I process and grow. Those quotes
remind me of my philosophy of living and loving that I have shared in previous
blog posts. I have no desire to be known or famous, but I do want to be known
for loving those in my life well and for having an impact on them. Edie
inspired me to continue living a life of purpose with a servant heart and for
the glory of God.
So here is what I am doing with my news. I am going to keep
on living. Yes, living and loving and serving and helping and growing…..for
whatever time I have. I am going to head to Puerto Vallarta for Christmas with
my family and eat lobster on the beach and laugh and play games and swim and
read and love them well. I am going to get my scan and my blood work and keep
my head up and throw left hooks at cancer every chance I get. I am going to
continue to pray for a miracle and pray for a cure and pray for healing. I am going
to work harder, longer, and faster on my book and attempt to get it out and
published within the next three months. I am going to proclaim the freedom and
grace that Christ gives every chance I get through the way I live and love.
And at this Christmas season this is my prayer for you:
Dear
Lord Jesus, I pray that my friends would gather loved ones close and show love
through words and actions. I pray they would put pettiness and grievances
behind them and make priorities in their lives that put people first. I pray
they would know the peace and comfort that comes from You. I pray they would
live lives filled with meaning and purpose and that they would not wait until a
tragedy or crisis strikes to take life seriously. I pray they would know that
You love them as they are and they do not need to clean up or fix up to be
accepted by You. Amen.
4 comments:
In the category of not fair: this is. Your bravery is admirable and my heart aches with this news. Left jabs from NC sent to you in CA. Time for a cancer TKO.
Kirsten, you live well and you love well-er. Your perspective on life and cancer is amazing. Joy flows out of you and into all those around you. Thank you for being real and transparent. I am blessed to call you friend and even more thankful that you call me friend. I love you.
#cancersucks
Kirsten, I am so sorry to hear this news but once again am moved by your attitude. You are truly living God's word with your continued approach to your situation. Know that I am here and ready to read at a moments notice for your amazing book! Enjoy your holidays with your family and know that I continue to pray for all of you! So glad we reconnected, though wish it had been for another reason, we Highlands girls stick together!! :)
Hate the news, love the lady and her heart for living each moment fully as we all should. You are such a bright light. Love you!
Post a Comment