Three weeks ago I received one of those “suddenly” phone
calls. The kind where when you hang up your day has “suddenly” changed. The
kind that leaves you feeling sick and deflated. The phone call that started
with, “Please don’t worry” and continued with, “but we need to do diagnostic
testing and an ultrasound because we found something in your mammogram.” PLEASE DON’T WORRY? Shall I remind you dear
nurse of where I have been and what I have gone through for the past four
years? Shall I attempt to tell my brain and my heart to NOT WORRY? Shall I
attempt to have uninterrupted sleep and pleasant dreams? Shall I NOT WORRY when
every worst case scenario runs through my crazed mind?
Yes, I know the Bible says DO NOT WORRY. I know the Bible
says DO NOT FEAR. I know the Bible says to give my anxious thoughts to God. I
know God’s promises. But every part of me trembled with fear and anxiety. I immediately
called to make the appointment. Of course I had to wait TEN days for the first
available one. I wanted to scream to the scheduling lady, “Oh no, you don’t get
it. You just don’t get it! I have had stage four cancer that has traveled to
three organs of my body—I really cannot wait TEN FREAKING DAYS.”
And then, the
phone call that came SEVEN DAYS later, “Please call us; we need to reschedule
your exam……your insurance has not yet authorized this visit.” WHAT? I need to WAIT?
AGAIN? (Yes, I am obsessing over using capital letters so you can really HEAR
me!!). Pit in stomach. Shallow breaths.
Thoughts scrambling: “I am freaking
dying here. I am not sleeping, I am numb inside. I am panicked and agitated and I am trying my
best to merely survive each day.” I
began the calls to deal with insurance and rescheduling. I screamed out to God—“I
really cannot handle this God. I cannot do this again God. Why insurance
issues? Why waiting? Let me repeat, I cannot do this!” I called the scheduling office again. I could
barely speak. My strength was gone. I had nothing left in me to deal with
scheduling and insurance and waiting. The appointment was moved out two more
days….and insurance was still PENDING.
I prayed. I journaled. I kept telling God I was surrendering
it all to Him. I read scripture. I did
all the things I know I am SUPPOSED to do. I was still scared, anxious and agitated. I
still felt the pit in my stomach. It still took all I had to get out of bed and
face the day. I was spiraling into a deep depression. I felt powerless, out of
control, unable to rid my anxious thoughts. I did not feel God’s peace or
comfort or strength. I felt utterly void. I shamed and blamed myself for not
trusting God, for not feeling His peace, for lacking faith.
The day of the new appointment came. The technician had read
my cancer history and was so loving and kind. She gave me lots of hugs and
assured me that we women have to stick together through these hard things. She
put my chart in as STAT and told me I should hear back from my doctors that
afternoon. I went home and dumped French Onion soup mix into sour cream and
pulled out potato chips and I watched Chopped on the Food Network. I simply sat, mind numb, waiting for the phone
call. It came at 4:15—my nurse who knows my whole story and who has prayed
through this with me. Her first words were, “It’s good news.” She went on to
tell me that it appeared to be a “cyst cluster” but was not cancerous and that
I needed to get another mammogram in six months. I wish I could say that I felt
incredible, but I was still numb. My body and my mind were still in a fugue
state. I called my husband to share the news and then texted the handful of
friends who knew and had been texting and praying for me all day.
Why do I share this experience in my blog? Reading it to
myself, it sounds like I threw myself a big pity party and wallowed in my own
crappy attitude. (Which I did). It sounds like I am super ungrateful and inward
focused and unaware of all the pain in the world. It sounds like I am one BIG
whiner baby. (All true). When I started this blog, I vowed to be real and raw
with every part of my journey and that includes the times when I feel hurt,
scared, desperate and in absolute despair. I wouldn’t be helping anybody, including
myself, if I tried to sugarcoat this and make some life lesson out of it, and pull
out the nuggets of hope. Because the reality is that I didn’t feel hope, just
despair.
Of course I am so incredibly
grateful and thankful that I got that good news. But I am wiped out. I am still
reeling. Because every day I live with the fact that I could hear those words
again. And each one of us has been or could be turned upside down because of a “suddenly”
phone call. I settled into my pain and
anguish and I was stuck. In my laments and my sorrow and my depression, God was
with me, even if I didn’t hear or feel him. ( a friend had to remind of that
because I couldn’t get to that place on
my own). He is here, even though I am still numb and scared and anxious. Jesus doesn’t reward me with a spiritual
report card for praying, reading my Bible and going to church. I can’t earn his
love by trying to be a spiritual giant. He doesn’t punish me for my doubt and
my fears. He knows my deepest pains and my biggest fears. He loves me where I
am and for who I am, because I am His and His grace covers me. In times of joy.
And in times of despair.
I wish I could pull this into a concise conclusion with
something inspiring to leave you with. But I can’t, because I am still in it. That
is where I am, right now, in this moment. And maybe, just maybe that is the
conclusion. And maybe, just maybe I can be okay with that.
3 comments:
I am always in awe of how GOD has put such strength in you! You have been an inspiration to so many! All glory to him! Blessings Spidy & Karen
That was a brilliant piece on exactly what it is like to get a suddenly call or suddenly meeting. Being that raw and honest about the chaos and letting it stream helps all of us to know how normal we are when "suddenly" happens. A thousand thank yous ��
my life were I had reacted (irrationally) with anxiety. Not obvious times when you’ve hurt yourself or lost your parent in the supermarket. But odd incidents which perhaps didn’t necessarily warrant the fear they generated in you at that time. CBD & Social Anxiety
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