Today marks the three year anniversary of the day I was
diagnosed with cancer. I will always remember and write on this day for every
year that I continue to live on this earth. For it is in remembering and
reflecting that we learn and grow. The words “You have cancer” have forever
changed my life, and the life of my family. I will never forget…and I will
never stop sharing my story because it is a story of hope and redemption.
I will never forget the phone calls I made to family and
friends after hearing the initial diagnosis--of explaining the story over and
over again, of being on autopilot.
I will never forget the first appointment at Moore’s Cancer
Center when my diagnosis of “early stages colon cancer” dramatically changed to
“stage four metasticized cancer.”
I will never forget hearing the words, “the cancer has
spread to three tumors in your liver. We are going to try all we can."
I will never forget my primary care doctor telling me," You are in the best care possible with really smart doctors, but we both know that it is Jesus who is your Healer. He is bigger than any of these humans."
I will never forget the chemotherapy sessions and the smell
of plastic, the bitter taste of saline in my throat, the sensitivity to hot and
cold, the numbness in my fingers and toes, the hours sitting in the infusion
center. I will never forget all the friends who sat with me and drove me to
every appointment, showing me what true friendship, support and encouragement
really mean.
I will never forget my lifelong best friend Kathy flying
out to two of my surgeries to spend time with me and my family and support me
in every way. I will never forget my mom coming out after every surgery to keep
my family going with grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, folding laundry and
doing carpool. (and taking lots of orders from me and putting up with my moods
and grumpy days).
I will never forget the patient kindness of my husband who
took over so many things to take care of me and my boys, while continuing his
job. I will never forget his love, his prayers, his faithfulness, his strength.
I will never forget the conversations with my boys about my
diagnosis, about faith, life, death, and HOPE. I will never forget their
questions, fears, and prayers. I will never forget their resilience and how
they endured so much while going to school, playing sports, and continuing with
their regular routine.
I will never forget the meals, the notes, the flowers, the
gifts on my doorstep, the visits, the texts, the cards and words of
encouragement that our community poured over us for the length of this journey.
I will never forget the intensity of wanting to live each
day to the fullest, to find joy in all circumstances, to cling to Jesus like
never before.
I will never forget the difficulty of recovery after surgery…of
realizing how much we take our health and strength for granted. I will never
forget not being able to stand, shower, or walk. I will never forget if the tic
tac toe arrangement of scars on my body would ever fade away.
I will never forget the glimpses of Christ through people
and circumstances. The people who showed up at just the right time, the
provisions God made to pay all our insurance co-pays, the cards or emails that
came when I was in a dark place.
I will never forget coming to terms that I may not survive
this and that no matter what, God is still good and faithful. I will never forget
and I still don’t-- that no matter when I die, I know where I will be going…with
full assurance, a life in eternity with the God of grace.
I will never forget the friends who were diagnosed within
the same year as me—the survivors who are still with us, those that face each
day with hope….Molly, Bonnie, Amanda, Marni, Linda.
I will never forget those who were diagnosed during my trial
and who are no longer with us. I will remember them for their strength and
dignity…..Chris, Judy, and Kelly.
I will never forget the words, “You are cancer free.”
I will never forget the endless journeys into the stark
white MRI tube and hearing the words, “Breathe in….hold your breath, breathe
out.” I will never forget the attempts at putting the contrast dye into my veins, being stuck multiple times because my
veins were weakened from chemotherapy.
I will never forget getting the news six months after my
second surgery….”the cancer is back”. I will never forget that it spread to my
lung and I will never forget the third surgery within a year, the third
recovery, and the next round of chemo.
I will never forget praying and asking God, “please let me
see my boys graduate”….and then pushing the prayer further….”please let me see
them go to college, get married. Please let me meet my grandbabies.” I will
never forget adding (with reluctance)…..”If it is YOUR will God.”
I will never forget that each day is a gift, that each
moment is precious, that whether the day is ordinary, mundane, or routine—it is
a day. I will never forget that life is filled with the ups and downs, the good
and the bad, and that how we respond to our circumstances is the determination
of our character.
I will never forget that my HOPE is found in Jesus, no
matter what my circumstance. I will never forget that my children have that
HOPE as well—and that they grew in their faith due to this difficult journey. I
will never forget that trials make us stronger even though we don’t want to go
through them. (James 1: 1-2).
I will never forget that my LIFE is in the hands of Jesus
and that my HOPE and eternity are in His hands as well. He is my rock, my
fortress, my strength and my salvation. (paraphrase of Psalm 18).
I will never forget hearing the words, again, "You are cancer free."
I am alive today. Three years after my diagnosis, I am a
walking, living miracle. I will never forget.
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