As my recovery from my third cancer surgery is coming to a
close and I am feeling more back to normal both physically and emotionally, I am
realizing that I really, REALLY enjoy this “semi –retirement” life style that I
am living. I get to focus on my kids, family and my friends. I make the time in
the mornings for my run, walk, or spin class and then I get my quiet time with
my Bible, journal and coffee—usually on the back patio with the hills as my
background. What a wonderful way to
start each day. Yet I am finding that my life is still so busy! I wonder how I
ever managed to work a full time job with many night commitments, lots of
counseling, lots of things to oversee, and lots of curriculum and messages to
write and prepare. I know that millions of women and men do this every
day—manage a full time job, plus errands and kids and family—how do they fit it
all in? It makes me so grateful that I am in this season of life. That I can
take some time to rest after all the things my body (mind and soul) have been
through in the past eighteen months. It is my season to rest, and to focus on
the preciousness of my family, my life, and my Savior.
I had a tough day this week. Interestingly, it was on the
heels of the previous post I wrote about gratitude. I had a beautiful morning
with time to walk and pray and write cards to people I love. (I am a “words of
encouragement” kind of gal—I love to write handwritten cards to express my feelings
and I love receiving them as well). I had a meeting with someone who has been
near and dear to me for many years. I had no expectations for the meeting, and
was giving the meeting, the words, and the outcome to the Lord. The encounter
was not exactly what I had hoped for. I left feeling that there was not a sense
of closure, that I was still unheard, and that my feelings were not fully
expressed. For some reason I started crying like I have not cried in a very
long time. In fact, I just couldn’t stop crying—crying alone in my car, trying
to figure out what it was that I was feeling.
Have you ever felt that? Having emotions that you really can’t wrap your
heart around or define what they are? Kind of a bit of hopelessness and
despair? I didn’t have much time to reflect on my feelings because I had to
head straight to another meeting—make up streaked on my face, tissue in hand,
and my throat a big knot. But the next
meeting was positive, hopeful, and productive, so I left feeling a bit
better.
I came home in the evening
to my family, and my son Noah asked me how my day went. I choked up a bit and
said, “Well, it didn’t go as well as I expected.” My husband, who knows me to
the core, took me in our room and told me to just get it all out—tell him what
happened. I just poured out my feelings
(which I still hadn’t really defined) and cried and cried. But, as always,
after I simply share my thoughts with my saint of a husband, I felt much
better. He didn’t need to fix anything (hey guys, remember that—women don’t
necessarily need you to solve the problem, they just need to be heard). Greg left for a meeting and I sat down with
my boys who were just relaxing from the day and watching something random on
the tv. It was a show called “Little People, Big World.” Maybe some of you know
of it—I have never watched it, but I have seen commercials for it. It is about
a family—the parents and I think one of their children—are “little people” and
the rest of their kids are regular sized.
The episode was about the son (who is regular sized) getting married and
they showed the whole ceremony. Well, I am a sucker for weddings. I love to
watch weddings; I love everything about weddings—all the details and creative
ideas people add to make their special day even more precious. So I sat and
watched this episode with my boys and of course I started crying when the bride
walked down the aisle (I would have cried anyway, but I cried even more because
of my extremely emotional day). Then, at the end of the episode they showed the
“mother/son” dance. The son, being regular sized, got down on his knees to
dance with his mom who is a “little person.” Okay, so I completely lost
it—bawled my head off at people I don’t know and a show that I don’t watch. I
could not stop crying. My boys were baffled and they asked, “Mom, mom what is
wrong? What is going on?” They were giggling at the
same time because clearly I was an emotional mad woman sitting in their living
room. I tried to get the words out in
between the tears….and I figured out my emotions—I could actually define them. So, I answered….”Boys, you will never know how
precious a mom’s love is for her sons. Watching them dance just reminds me of
how much I love each of you. I wish I could describe it, but it is so deep and
so dear.” They both surrounded me (still
giggling a little because clearly I was still a mad woman) and gave me big hugs
and said, “It’s okay mom, we love you.”
Right then I had a little epiphany, and
was able to grasp why I was so emotional.
Just last week I had my appointment with my lung surgeon who had told me
that I was cancer free once again. I
told her very firmly that I needed to stay that way because I had two amazing
boys to raise. And she answered with this, “Kirsten, you will be dancing at
their weddings.” So, this mother/son dance hit me a little extra harder than
maybe it would have at some other season of life. I want to live; I want to
live cancer free, and I want to dance with my Noah and my Micah at their
weddings someday. Then my precious Micah
said, “Come on mom, let’s get some ice cream and go sit on your bed and watch
tv together.” He knows my love language—quality time. So we scooped up some ice
cream ( I had birthday cake ice cream and he had brownie moose tracks ice cream
and we watched some show I don’t remember because all I cared about was that I
was hanging out with my son, with no words needed). And by the way, I had two
bowls of ice cream—it was that kind of day.
Maybe you are going through a rough season, or have had a
tough day, or have been unable to define your emotions, or have cried because
of a Hallmark commercial. We all have those times. And it’s okay to cry and it’s
okay to vent and it’s okay to have a gallon of ice cream, if needed.
PS—in the middle of writing this post, a floral delivery
arrived from my dear friend Nick. His card said, “I know you have had some
struggles and difficulties lately, but I hope these flowers brighten your day.
I pray a full recovery comes quickly.” Yes, my dear Nick, the flowers
brightened my day.
And the Lord of the universe, who is so intimate, knew
exactly when those flowers were to arrive.
May your day be bright and lovely and may you know that
intimate and mighty God. And may you know that He knows each of your struggles and your
difficulties and He loves you more than you will ever know.
No comments:
Post a Comment